The Lesser of Three Evils

Election Tuesday - South Salt Lake

For reasons I will never understand, I often get a good migraine headache on Tuesday afternoons. I have also noticed a pattern, since George W. Bush's re-election in 2004, of getting a really solid migraine headache on all election days, which also happens to fall on Tuesday. Therefore, I have a very special place in my heart for elections, and voting.

I'm always torn between the two dominant political philosophies of our time; pure apathy, or vengeful spite. I often feel that there is absolutely no point to voting in Utah. The result is a foregone conclusion. Mitt Romney got something like 85% of the vote here in the Republican primary in 2008. That should tell you everything you need to know. Especially, if like me, your political leanings are toward the bleeding-heart left. But then I also feel that I need to go down and vote just for the sake of dissension. I like the feeling of standing on the edge of a tall cliff and peeing into the wind.

So my democratic instincts usually get the better of me, even when I have no idea who I'm voting for, or why. Local elections in Utah are a lot like High School elections. We are expected to vote on the person who has the prettiest signs posted out on the street, or sometimes by straight name recognition. When I don't know any of the names, I just vote for the Democrat because I know they will lose anyway, so I can't be held responsible for any crimes against humanity if I accidentally voting in some Nazi sympathizer who ends up destroying the world with toxic rhetoric.

This particular mid-term, my primary motivation in going to the polls was in hopes of expressing my disapproval of all those unAmerican, fascist, pig-sucking, bastard tea-baggers by writing in Robert F. Bennett for the US Senate. I believe he has always served this state well, in spite of his conservative handicap, and only got railroaded out of this election because he is, in fact, a decent human being. The tea-baggers don't want any human beings in office at all. Only robots who will do their bidding even if it means screwing the 99 percent of Americans who still have a brain and don't prescribe to their hateful bull crap.

I resent that half of our political system is now being controlled and manipulated by a small group of fringe radicals who claim to be standing up for our constitution by voting for people who can't even tell you what the constitution actually says. But damn it! They will defend it at all costs. They will burn us to the ground in the name of freedom. Even as I am typing this I am sure some heavy-handed thugs are running up the stairs to knock me down and stomp on my head, and then call the police to have me arrested for soiling the ground that only they deserve to tread upon. It could happen to you too. We are all going to get Tea-bagged in the end.

But enough of that. I'm starting to get a headache already. So I went down there to cast my votes. As usual, I was the youngest person there, and I could tell by the reaction of the old ladies when I walked in that I was probably the youngest person in to walk in all day. They seem to get all pleased and satisfied at the sight of someone who still has teeth. I feel really awkward and exposed in this situation. But alas, it will be a good 40 years before I run into someone my own age at the polls.

On the way home I was then stopped by an old lady driving her car around in circles. She asked me if I knew where Lincoln Elementary School was. Some person had told her it was 450 East and 2700 South. She just wanted to vote, but couldn't find the place. I told her I knew there was an elementary school down 300 East but couldn't remember. She said she would go look, but then she was giving up, and resumed driving in circles.

Suddenly I was overwhelmed by a feeling of deep liberal guilt. I imagined that this poor woman would never get to vote. All she wanted was to make her voice heard one last time, and I was failing to help her. She would go off to tell all her friends at Bingo night that she was on her way to vote, like a proper, responsible citizen, when she was thrown off course by some filthy, bearded, long-hair liberal on the side of the street who sent her on a wild-goose chase down 300 east through all the scariest neighborhoods.

I didn't need that kind of heavy rap on my conscience. So I flagged her down as she passed by me again on her next circle, and told her I could look up the address on my phone. I soon found that Lincoln Elementary is actually located at 450 East and 3700 South, and I was able to send her on a much more direct route to do her civic duty, even though I know that her votes will cancel out all of mine. That's just how democracy works.

And now, just to end this on a particularly disturbing counterpoint, I present you with the most unsettling campaign ad I have ever seen. If this does not throw you into a murderous frenzy, and make you want to run down to your local voting location to vote for someone, anyone then nothing will: