You are hurtling down the 3500 South in West Valley in the terrible construction zone by the Valley Fair Mall. You are in the drivers seat, surrounded by several tons of brown metal, with 5 other souls encaged behind you. Their lives are in your hands. You can hear them quietly praying to whatever God they still want to believe in. You are approaching a green light. Everything is perfectly fine except the engine is roaring in your ears like a mad demon in heat. You are trying to remain in control in spite of the fact that everyone on the road is cutting you off. No one wants to be behind a big, brown truck. They would much rather cut you off so that you can roll over them and grind their bones to dust in a single chomp. You are almost to the light now and the light is still green, and is going to remain green, but then the Instructor screams, "YELLOW!!!" in your ear at the top of his lungs for no good reason at all.
What do you do?
a. slam on the brakes
b. put the pedal to the metal
c. wet yourself
d. nothing - He is just trying to piss you off
e. get pissed off - Because he is trying to piss you off
f. scream "No it's not you godless bastard!" back at him, and punch him in the face.
g. remain calm
h. chuckle and make an excuse for whatever it is you think you did wrong
?
And remember, folks, if you don't answer this question correctly you will be killed by ravenous timberwolves.
The correct answer of course is d. But you can get bonus points if you answered e, because you have to be a long-time UPS pro like me to understand that UPS management wants everyone to be pissed off all the time. If they ran the world it would become a better place overnight because the weak would be mercilessly killed and fed to the hub rats. Things are much more efficient when everyone is pissed off all the time. That's just common sense.
So remember to thank your UPS driver next time you see him, because after all, you don't know what he has seen.
Can we feed UPS management to ravenous timberwolves? Or would it give the indigestion...
ReplyDeleteEstablish your point of decision quick, hurry that light may be thinking about changing and you've got to be ready, okay, left right left, okay all clear, wait, that guys not looking at you, make him look at you, honk your horn, clap your hands, jump up and down in your seat, okay okay, he saw you, now upshift, don't stall, speed up, no, that car is too close, downshift, slow down, okay what is the address again 423 south,okay 411 south, 419, 431 south, s**t!, where's 423, it's 9:58 this package has a ten o'clock commit, is that it, no, 819 east, what?, who planned this damnable cul de sac?, is it the next one over?. . .
ReplyDeleteThis kind of stress turns people evil. Your supervisors have been there, just look in their eyes if you dare and you can see it. When they were given the option to take on easy routes with nothing but driver release stops and schools they turned them down when more money was waved in front of their faces, but then they learned it wasn't worth the added stress, but but once you turn to the dark side you can never go back so they just get more angry and more evil it all gets turned back on you. you missed a commit time. Welcome to your T-bag. Welcome to the life you chose.
Hmm? I didn't really think about feeding them to ravenous timberwolves. I'll check with peta and find out if it's not too cruel to the animals.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, Derek, you have the gist of it better than I do. For the purposes of this test though, he really just thought that he was testing my commitment to my decision point. He might have totally thrown me off if I had been blind.
I think all my shouting in the car and telling you to look out has finally paid off...
ReplyDeleteExcept when you yell those things it's for a more rational reason. At UPS they yell it to try and see if they can make you crash. lol
ReplyDelete