The Spirit

Being raised in the LDS faith, I was brought up to believe that the Spirit of God would manifest itself by a "burning in my bosom"; that if I was faithful, and obedient to the laws of God I would come to know the truth. But this never happened to me. In my 18 years of going to church, reading the scriptures, and praying, I never felt anything good. At best I felt bored. At worst I felt a complete emptiness, and a growing sense of inadequacy. I was told that I was not ready for the answers. I was told that I didn't want the true answers. It was always my fault, and for a long time I believed it.

But as a skeptic I find that I really do want to believe. Nothing would make me happier than for God to show up as a burning bush and tell me what I'm supposed to do. People have accused me of believing in nothing. I don't agree with that. I do believe very firmly in things. I just can not believe it anything based on absolutely nothing.

Of course, there came a time when my mind began to rebel against those notions. I came to believe that there were two obvious explanations why I could find no faith within myself:

A) It's all bullcrap

or

B) God hates me

Both of those answers are equally appealing at various times. But they mostly made me feel angry for a very long time. Particularly, I felt a deep, and burning rage for everyone who ever told me that if I would just pray more sincerely then I would find the answers I sought.

Eventually I did kind of get over it. While the beliefs I was raised by will never go away, I found a way to get enough space between me and them that I could reflect on what I believed and felt in my own heart. After all, why should a person be tied down to experience things the way that everyone else does? I began to seek experiences of a different sort. I wanted to get to know myself better.

I asked myself, why would God hide himself so completely from us if the very purpose of our existence was to believe in Him? It's not logical. I'm pretty sure that God has never spoken to me, at least in the sense that believers say he does. I'm inclined to believe that there is a God. It seems more unreasonable to me to think there is not. But he remains silent, detached, abstract. I decided it was futile to try to know God before you even know yourself. And I firmly believe that a life spent entirely on knowing yourself would be a life well spent, and a busy one at that.

As I began to be better at following my own heart, and my own desires, I have gained far more than I ever gained in church. I will risk my very soul on the truth of that statement. I know in my heart that if I had done what others wanted me to do, if I had gone on a mission for instance, it would have been a sort of spiritual death for me, because I know there was absolutely no desire in me to do that, and if I had it would not have been for me, nor would it have been for God.

In spite of my great heresy, I have often felt something that could be interpreted as "The Spirit". I often felt it while racing over high mountain-tops on my bike in those crazy years. It was a sense of being more deeply alive. It was a feeling of great power, and great weakness at the same time. It was a sort of liberation from the trappings of the mind when I could become a purely physical being.

Later I would feel it while exploring the rarely seen parts of the Buddhist Temple in Taiwan. It was a feeling of great humility, and yet a sense that I was playing a small part in everything. In one room in particular, I felt a deep connection with the entire world, and I knew that I was so small as to be almost nothing at all, but somehow I was still vitally important in spite of my obsolescence.

I have felt this Spirit when looking at great works of art, and sometimes not so great works of art. I once felt it while looking at a segment of Roman sidewalk at the UMFA. I feel it at the Spiral Jetty every time I go there, or in Moab. It manifests itself in a sense that there is something valuable in the pure experience of this life itself. It doesn't matter what you do. It's just important that whatever you do you experience it as fully as you can. It's vitally important to be open to whatever comes your way. These are some of the things I began to believe.

We spend so much of our lives trying to be somewhere else, it is rare to find yourself capable of being right here, and right now. I find I can do this more easily in bizarre, and remote places. I have felt most at peace with the world while floating down the Colorado River, staring up in wide-eyed wonder at the blood-red cliffs above. I feel something beautiful and mysterious while driving at high speeds across the empty salt flats of western Utah. I have spend hours upon hours staring at the Great Salt Lake and not even needing to ask questions about it.

In Iceland I felt the full weight of existence bearing down upon me, and for a while I even embraced it before it got too heavy. I learned on that trip that not all spiritual experiences need to be warm and fuzzy. Sometimes what your soul needs is to find the darkness for a little while. I felt things within myself that I have never spoken of, and perhaps never will, but I still wake up in the night sometimes thinking I am still there. It was a very dark time that I will always cherish. I learned more about myself in the darkness than I ever learned in the light.

On the other hand, I have walked in the light as well.

At places like the Holi festival I have been filled with the feeling that life is good, and worth living in spite of all of it. Sometimes a person just needs an excuse to let go of all the crap and party hard.

My wedding really was my happiest day. On that day, unlike any other day, I felt completely as though I was exactly where I was supposed to be, among all the right people, doing all the right things. I had absolutely no doubts in my mind, no more questions to answer for a little while.

As time goes by I get closer and closer to this spirit. I feel I understand it more and more. I would not be so arrogant to claim that it was God speaking to me. Maybe it is just a part of my own soul recognizing true beauty when it sees it in all it's light, and dark mystery. But I do know absolutely that I do have a soul. I know that I am so much more than random particles in space. I know that this life is far more than a simple test of loyalty and obedience. I feel it growing more and more every day. I feel it when I look in Rachel's eyes. I feel it when I read a great book. I sometimes now can even feel it when I'm just lying in bed on a Saturday morning, doing nothing at all.

I know it was always there, but I have only become better at knowing it when I see it. And I try to live by those beliefs that I have found. I strive to be better at living in the moment and letting the good and bad happen, and just feel alive amidst it all. We are here to experience, and anything that tries to cut you out from the experience of life is evil, and must be fought hard.

"Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night."
- - - Dylan Thomas