The Oscars: A Hateful Screed Against Sellouts, and American Commercialism: A Finger To The Brainwashed Masses: My Snobby Picks: And Tribute To Losers

Is there no justice in this world?

I ask myself that question often, and for many valid reasons. The greedheads and powermongers have run amok all over the place, and we are all stuck here reaping the consequences of their actions. It's almost enough to convince even a pacifist like myself to buy a gun. And yet today I am just pissed off about something far more trivial: The Oscar race.

Every year in March we have to endure this shimmering tribute to mediocrity that we have all come to know and love through years of decreased expectations. Now don't get me wrong, I am not knocking the sedative effects of cheap entertainment, nor the cheap thrills of base exploitation films. As a longtime film junkie, I can every now and then get behind a good movie about car crashes, or cell phones that kill people. But I do know where to draw the line between proper art and blah.

I'm not getting to the point here. Where was I? Oh yes. So when the Oscars come around every March, I am strangely drawn to them, like a moth to the proverbial flame. And just like that doomed moth, I am almost always burned. I find myself screaming at my TV, "Who the #%! **&* *@## voted for that!"

I could pretend to be a film critic here and give you my predictions, but that is far too easy. Pocohontas, er, I mean Avatar is going to win the big prizes. I guess it isn't all that bad. I stayed awake for about a third of it. Worse things will happen anyway. I am pretty sure that for every award won by the film "Precious" God will kill two kittens. That blood will be on the hands of the Academy voters. That's all I'm gonna say about that. I'm not going to focus too much energy on that train wreck. During the Oscars tomorrow I intend to occupy myself by making some pizza.

But for now, to put this post on a more positive note, I am going to explain to you with great arrogance who should win some awards tomorrow.

Best Picture
Inglourious Basterds



I do have mixed feelings about it because it is not the best of Quentin Tarantino's masterpiece films. But it did satisfy what we have come to expect from the man. It is a wild and crazy ride full of the most bizarre surprises, and questions all our deepest notions of what movies are all about. From the misspelt title, right down to the brazen ending that I won't talk about here, it defies the stupifying trend in hollywood. At least for those of us who were paying attention. Most people just think it's silly, and Tarantino is written off by many film critics as a sort of populist entertainer. But there are a few of us who know that his films are no laughing matter. And it is the only film in 2009 that I can honestly put on a list with The Godfather, Casablanca, The Best Years of Our Lives, Lawrence of Arabia, etc. etc.

Best Director
Oren Peli for "Paranormal Activity" - James Cameron will surely win this award for Avatar. But anyone can direct a movie if you give them $500,000,000 to do it. Give me that kind of money and I'll make a movie to blow your damn mind. I'll make a movie that kills people and ends world hunger for half a billion dollars. But Orn Peli, on the other hand, directed the hell out of the scariest movie in years for something like $11,000. That wouldn't even buy my car. If there was any justice in this world James Cameron would dedicate his award to Benjamin Franklin. Congratulations James. You bought this one.

Best Actor
This award should be split between Sam Rockwell, and Sam Rockwell for "Moon".


Sam Rockwell had the task of playing this entire movie with no one but a creepy robot and himself. He had to play two characters. Or maybe they are the same. I'm not really sure. It reminded us that Science Fiction can still be cool, even in the 21st century.

Best Actress
Sandra Bullock for The Blind Side - Ummm. Why not? I love Sandra, and I can't think of a better idea.

Best Supporting Actor
Christoph Waltz for "Inglourious Basterds" - Who know that a character called The Jew Hunter could be so damn funny. We all love to hate him. He's just so adorable, and evil. No contest here. He actually will win this one.

Best Supporting Actress
Penelope Cruz for "Nine" - She brought sexiness into a film that direly needed it. I didn't use my brain to make this pick. 'Nuff said.


Best Original Screenplay
"A Serious Man" by the Brothers Coen - After winning everything for No Country For Old Men, the Coens finally got a chance to make this personal, and original film about a man who wants God to tell him what He wants from him as his life falls apart around him. Like all of their films it is nothing like what we expected, and yet it is definitely a Coen Brother's movie. You had to be there, I guess.

*Honorable mention in this category goes to "The Hangover" written by Jon Lucas and Scott Moore.

Best Screenplay Adaptation
"The Soloist", screenply by Susannah Grant - This movie had the misfortune of being released in the first half of the year. Any movie that comes out before late August will be promptly forgotten by Academy voters. But this one was a real treasure. One of the best films of the year.

Best Cinematography
I have no idea how this category is decided. It always goes to the most normal looking movie. Apparently a cinematographer's goal is to make their movie look like every other movie. Creativity is not rewarded. I'm also giving this one to Inglourious Basterds because it aint as easy as you might think to make a movie that looks like it was filmed in 1972 by Sergio Leone. The cinematographer in question here is Robert Richardson.

Best Art Direction
"The Road" - Because it aint easy to drain all the life out of the world and make everything look dead.


Best Animated Feature
It will go to UP. I just want to give an honorable mention to The Fantastic Mr. Fox, which is equally deserving.

I don't care about the rest of the categories. That's all I really got.