A Better World?

"Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind carries me across the sky." - - - Ojibwe saying

At this moment I am very small. I am no more than 4 inches tall, and shrinking by the minute. I am almost gone. There will be nothing left for you to see, and yet the relentless beating continues on. I stare into the face of rage, eyes aglow with vengeance.

"What you need to ask yourself is, 'do I want this job?'"

It seems like a trick question. I feel confused. I have to say yes, but my heart is beating, "No! No! No!" How did I get myself into this contradiction? I glance over to my boss who is standing in the corner looking intently at his shoes. It is not either of our finest hours for sure.

The truth is, I don't really want this job at all. I always say I do when people ask. I put the best face on it. What I really, really want is to have a job that pays me a decent living so that I may support my family as best I can. That is what I feel will make me happy. But life is no longer cheap. Maybe it never was. All I know is that the world has a way of carrying you along on a path, and it seems very difficult at times, perhaps even futile, to kick against the current.

Is this fate? Or are we all living the lives we chose?

There is a crushing weight of responsibility that I feel, and it makes it seem like I usually have no choice at all. I continue to do what I must. These are the thoughts going through my head as I stare into those burning, red eyes that make grown men cry.

Have you ever found yourself fighting a fight that you can not win?

The beating continues.

"Tell me, please, why I should keep you, because if it were up to me you would be done."

I guess I should explain myself here. It was a bad, bad day. I had an accident. A small accident in the grand scheme of the universe, but I work in a job that can not afford mistakes. I made a big mistake. I blame no one but myself. I feel plenty bad about it already, but nevertheless I must stand and bear this tongue lashing with humility and grace. I am a leaf on the wind. If it were up to me, I would rather be talking to Anton Chigur right now.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I make mistakes constantly. I'm only human, but maybe I'm even more human that some others. It seems I blunder through life making the best choices I can, but every choice narrows down my future choices until I get to a point where there seems to be no more choices but to jump in the current and let it take me where it will.

Because of choices I made long ago, I now find myself working in a miserable job that gives me very little fulfillment, only because it will one day give me a decent paycheck. I'll never get rich from it, but I will be able to live comfortably with the things I need, and some things that I want. That's the lie I have been telling myself for years, that it is better than the alternatives.

What I do is I drive a truck that is packed with boxes, and I must get rid of them one at a time until there are none left. I run, and run, and run all day long. I almost never stop to take a lunch break. If I stop to pee I have to run that much faster to catch up again. It's a lot of responsibility, a lot of pressure, and one day a lot more money than I'm making now. Is it worth it? Maybe. Maybe not. I'm not sure any more. But what are my alternatives?

Truthfully, I have no idea what the alternatives might be. I have, for years, assumed that there were none. That has often been my excuse. I have a degree in photography. It is a field that people are notorious for not wanting to pay for. On the other hand, there are people who are highly successful at it without even so much as a degree to stand on. Beyond photography, I really don't have a lot of marketable skills to back me up. 11 years at the same company has provided me with nothing that would be useful to other companies. It has given me a range of talents that are very specific, like memorizing thousands of zip codes, playing a literal version of tetris at 250-600 pieces per hour, yelling at people, cursing, etc. These are things that don't necessarily look good on a resume. But I am smart. I am a hard worker. I am good at adapting to a wide range of situations. I think I work well under pressure, and with all kinds of scary people. I am not completely useless, am I?

Maybe there is something more out there waiting for me. It's also true that maybe there is not. I know that I have the power within myself to stay on this career path, and succeed. I am sure that it will get easier over time. But do I really want that? I feel that I have hit rock bottom with it now. I must move forward from here, and do the best I can to continue to ensure my own security, and the good of my family. If I'm going to stay, I need to embrace it completely because that is the way to get better. And I can't keep on feeling sorry for myself. I am living the life I chose.

But I am now more motivated than ever to look beyond my comfort zone. I want to find a way out. I want to believe that it is possible to make a decent living, and be happy. Therefore I must also open my mind to the other possibilities that maybe I have been ignoring in favor of a seemingly safer path. I know now that there is no safe path. There is nothing you can do that life can't find a way to screw with it. Life is chaos.



On a lighter note, now that I have written a bitter, and negative diatribe, I should tell you about the ways in which I have chosen wisely, and the ways in which I am fortunate. I have chosen a beautiful wife who always supports me, but also pushes me to be better. She believes that I have a choice, and that I can do better. She sees potential in me that I do not.

I have two kitties who always kiss my face and give me comfort when I am sad and lonely. They don't care what I do for a living. They would be perfectly happy if I did nothing at all but lay around with them. That's how they roll.

I have two dogs that feel like my children. They definitely keep me on my toes. But they also give me unconditional love. They are always happy to see me. So what if they sometimes eat my ice cream. It's a small price to pay.

I have great friends and family who have always accepted me for who I am, even when they thought I was wrong. Those are the people that I choose to be around. 1 true friend is worth far more than all the others.

I am even fortunate to have a job at all. Even a job you hate is better than no job at all. You can't ignore that truth in this day and age.

I feel better already.

"At the top of the mountain, we are all Snow Leopards."