Blood & Guts: Scene 6

*note: So a couple of years ago Josh, and Ashton and I made up an entire vampire movie whilst loading the Salt Lake Trailer at UPS over the course of several months. Then one day Ashton asked me if I could type it all out for a Netflixx contest. Over the next week, or so, I pounded out 90 pages of questionable swill. There is some bad, bad writing in there, but there are also some great pearls of badness. I have been meaning to post some of it on here, just for fun. Sufficeth to say, we did not win the contest.

Nevertheless, here is one small sample.

Blood and Guts: Scene 6: Interior Scene - The House

Josh is talking to the camera, explaining things to Ashton. Brandon is in the background observing cynically.


JOSH
Ok, look. It’s like this. We are vampires, blood-suckers, nosferatu, night-walkers, fiends, all that stuff. For sure. But we’re not just soulless killers who.....


BRANDON
Yes we are.


JOSH
(give Brandon a reprimanding look) What I mean to say is that vampires get a bad name. Everyone wants to kill us, but we are people too.


BRANDON
No we’re not.


JOSH
Would you please just shut up for one minute. (throws pillow cushion at Brandon)


BRANDON
(shrugging) Whatever.


JOSH
Gosh. Where was I. Oh yeah. So we decided to make this movie to show people what our life is really like. We want people to see that it’s not all doom, and gloom, and walking around with your face down, like somebody just died or something, glaring at people from under your eyebrows.
(Josh looks over at Brandon who has his head down and is glaring up at the camera. Brandon snaps out of it.)

BRANDON
What?


JOSH
Do you ever just look at yourself?


BRANDON
What? I know what I am.


JOSH
Whatever. (turns back to camera) The point is that we aren’t just cheap caricatures of gothic angst. We don’t wear black all the time. We don’t live in castles. We live just like normal people. We have hearts and minds. We have dreams. We want to have the finer things in life.


BRANDON
We kill people.


JOSH
Why do you gotta be that guy?


BRANDON
What? It’s true. Are you telling me you didn’t just kill half the cast of this dude’s emo vampire movie. (gestures toward camera, then turns to the camera) Oh, and by the way that was good stuff man. It was hot. I liked it.


ASHTON
(tentatively) Thanks?


JOSH
Never mind. Whatever. We kill people. Sure. We have to feed to survive. But we are more than just monsters. If you prick us we will bleed.


BRANDON
Yeah we will, but the blood is your Mom’s.


IAN
(off-screen) Oh, face!
(Josh bursts into laughter in spite of himself. Brandon smirks with satisfaction and Josh high-fives him.)


JOSH
But no, seriously, we don’t under-stand what the big deal is. Most people don’t even believe we exist, and yet when they do they make us out like some kind of boogeymen. We just want to be accepted. We want to be able to show our faces in public. I think the world is ready to grasp our rare beauty. The moment has come for us to step out of the shadows and into the light. I want to be seen.


BRANDON
The mirror is good enough for me.


JOSH
(glaring) Pay no attention to him. He’s still just pissed off about The Lost Boys.
(Brandon snaps his head toward Josh and shakes his head very slowly, as if in warning.)


ASHTON
Huh, what?


JOSH
That’s right. This guy auditioned for Kiefer’s part, but they said he wasn’t believable as a vampire.


BRANDON
(pouty, tries to shrug it off) Well, what do they know?


ASHTON
Wait. How old are you guys?


BRANDON
Twenty-Four.


JOSH
We are actually fifty-five. We were twenty-four when we were turned.
(Ian enters from another room with a huge, glass bottle of some kind of thick, pulpy blood. He sits down between Josh and Brandon, and puts the bottle down on the coffee table in front of them. )


IAN
Hey. Look what I got for you guys today.


BRANDON
Hey there, what is that? Is this the good stuff?


IAN
You know it. Who’s a good friend here?
Brandon picks it up, and tentatively tastes it.


BRANDON
Oh Ian. You really shouldn’t have.


JOSH
Where did you get that?


IAN
(nonchalant) I know a guy. So hey, I was just wondering, when are you guys going to make me?


BRANDON
(handing the bottle to Josh) Tomorrow.


IAN
For real? You’re not messing with me again are you?


BRANDON
No, man. In fact, we were just talking about it, weren’t we?
JOSH
(with mouth full of nasty blood, just nods emphatically)


IAN
Well, I remember the last time you said that.


BRANDON
Well, this time is different.


IAN
Oh yeah, why is that?


BRANDON
Because this time I mean it.


IAN
Right...thanks....Ass!


BRANDON
(feigning shock) Such ingratitude. (to camera) Oh, by the way this is Ian. Ian, this is Ashton, our new camera man. Ian pays our rent so that we will make him immortal.


JOSH
Yeah, we like him in spite of his worst character traits.


ASHTON
Time-out. What exactly is that stuff?


IAN
It’s the stuff that dreams are made of.


ASHTON
And that is...?
(Brandon, Josh and Ian all look down at the bottle for a minute. There is a long awkward silence. Everyone pretends to be distracted by something.)


JOSH
Let’s take a walk.