Brandon + Rachel Part 1: Message In A Bottle

It was exactly a year ago, as of yesterday, that Rachel came into my life. Has it really been a year? It doesn’t seem like that much time has passed. So many things have happened in between. Nevertheless, I feel that it would be appropriate to take a little time to look back and reflect on how we got here, and to express my gratitude for the mysterious fortunes that have smiled upon me.

It all started in Iceland where I had a weird sort of mid-life crisis. I won’t go into any details about that because no one cares. I’m not sure I even care any more. It’s in the past. Let’s just say that I went to the far edge of everything and stared off into the empty space on the other side for just a little bit too long. (I highly recommend it by the way, just not for too long.)

I came back hungry for something else. My life had degenerated into a series of bad reruns. I had seen all these episodes before. Basically, I was bored. Of course, I felt completely powerless to do anything about it. I felt like my life was following a pre-destined course that would require more than just your average monkey wrench to derail. So I swallowed my considerably snobbish pride, and made myself a profile on Match.Com.

For a long time this seemed to be just another failure. I tried all manner of tactics and strategies, but all with the same result. No women would talk to me. I read the advice that the site gives you for getting more female response. I did everything they advised. Still no women would speak to me at all. (Except for a couple of crazy, and/or scary women who would e-mail me for a while, but then even they would disappear.) So in the end, my only logical conclusion was that I was simply not cut out for dating. So I got over it.

Most women’s profiles on Match.com say something like this:

“I’m just a happy-go-lucky, 23-year-old girl. I just want to find a guy to date, and maybe more. I love sushi and drinking beer with the guys. I love hiking, biking, running, reading, flirting, and camping on the weekends. I want to find someone who is smart, confident, funny, open-minded, and will travel all over the world with me, and accept me for who I really am. I have an open mind and will try anything once. So send me an e-mail and we will talk. Also I don’t want to date any married men.”

I figured I had most of that covered. Except maybe the confidence, and the money to travel all over the world at the drop of a hat. So I couldn’t understand why I was being universally snubbed. I guessed that it probably had something to do with my profile picture, and/or the fact that I refused to tell them my income. Those were my two best guesses anyway. In any case, I stopped caring. I got over my mid-life crisis and decided that the glass was half full. Why should I worry so much about finding women to love me. I survived this long without love. Who needs it?.

The problem was that I had paid for my Match account through the end of November. So I figured I might as well keep it going for the sake of experimentation. I decided to take no more prisoners. I had some things on my mind that I wanted to say. So I changed my profile from whatever polite, generic bull crap it said before to the following:

“Live Every Week Like It’s Shark Week.”

“Let’s get down to brass tacks. I know you are looking for Mr. Right, and I don’t blame you. If I had my way I would be married to Tina Fey, or even Rachael Ray, but you and I both know they are far out of my league. I will admit that without shame. If my game was on that level I wouldn’t be here. I’m still young enough to want it all, but old enough to separate fantasy from reality.

“I don’t want a fairy-tale romance. I don’t need a woman to save my soul. You don’t need to agree with my political opinions, or share my odd musical tastes. I’m not looking for a hiking buddy or a travel partner. I would love to take you around the world, but I have walked alone on the far side, and I will do it again if necessary.

“I will be perfectly honest. The truth can’t stay hidden for long. I have many personal quirks to amuse you, but I also have flaws. These things might drive you wild, or even make you crazy. It’s hard to say what could happen if you never take a chance. I have made mistakes, and there are plenty more where those came from. Like Voltaire, I believe that meaning is found in the journey. Life is so much more than a means to an end.

“I am smart enough to know that I don’t know much. Life is too short to stop asking hard questions. I don’t expect you to know the answers. I’m not rich or powerful, but I don’t live in my Mom’s basement either. I take care of myself, so you won’t have to be my cook. I have a sense of humor, but I don’t live to entertain you. I don’t know my future after this weekend and I don’t want to.

“I don’t know what I’m looking for. I won’t narrow down the search with a long list of criteria. I do understand if what you really want is a hard body with a huge chest and a fat wallet. I really do understand, and it’s ok. Just say so, and you can save us both a lot of time. We all deserve what we really want. I want to be with someone who loves me more than she needs me. If your profile says you want a man with a $250,000 income then I won’t bother you. Please don’t say you are open-minded to trying anything at least once unless you really mean it.

“I will try anything once. Most times I’m willing to try it at least twice. I used to hate shrimp. Now I love it. First impressions are often wrong. Richard Avedon said, “All photographs are accurate. None of them is the truth.”

“An e-mail is not a commitment. Send me one and I will be happy to talk. I don’t care if you are a 0% match to my profile. I really do have an open mind. I am willing to talk to anybody. If I e-mail you first, and you don’t want any part of me then that’s just fine. I can handle rejection. But please have the courtesy to say ‘No, thank you.’ It’s really the least you can do.

“That is about all I can say here. If you think I have told you anything at all then you will be vastly surprised by the real me. You can ask me anything you want. I don’t mind personal questions, but if you want my phone number, address, annual income, or my astrological sign, then you will have to be willing to look me in the eye first.”

Even I thought, when I wrote this, that it was extremely arrogant. Maybe even outright rude. It was bitter and sarcastic and kind of ugly. But it was also true. I also find it to be deviously clever and subversive. Those pointy words still tickle me a little. It also might be the best thing I have ever written because it changed my life.

Would you believe it folks? I started getting responses to the e-mails I was throwing out to women. Many of them were just telling me that they weren’t interested. I told them that I appreciated their direct honesty. Others were asking me questions about things I said, and then would disappear shortly after hearing the answers. Some other ones said they didn’t want to date me but wanted to be friends, then disappeared. A couple of them proceeded to actually exchange e-mails with me.

So now I was at least getting something out of the money I paid to Match.com. This proceeded for a couple of weeks before I sent an e-mail to Rachel. I don’t remember what it said because I don’t have my sent e-mails saved. But I know what she said back. On October 6, 2008, she wrote back to me that while she agreed with my appreciation of the classics I was all wrong about Twilight, and I should give it a try. I might be surprised. And that was how it all began. Now, a year later, I’m still not sure about Twilight, but I have found myself madly in love with this girl.

Internet dating is like throwing a message in a bottle into the ocean and hoping someone who picks it up on the other side knows how to read it. Somehow I got lucky in it all and found something truly special. I wasn’t looking for a fairy-tale romance. I ended up with something better. What Rachel and I have is real. I know that we do love each other for who we are, which is more important to me than anything else. She is also smart, sexy, funny, and all that generic stuff that guys are always looking for too. But most importantly she sees me and accepts me for who I am, not for who I might become. She also sees through my bull crap and isn’t afraid to call me on it when necessary. She pushes me to be the best person I can be, and I know it is because she genuinely cares and wants me to succeed. Did I mention that she is a smokin’ fox, drop-dead gorgeous, and drives me insane? But never mind.

Together we have been through a lot in the past year. And I know that we can get through anything together. More importantly I am ready and willing to accept that challenge. We both know that we have a long way to go before we cross the finish line, but I have no fear when I am with her. I still don’t know what the future holds, but as always I am eager to enjoy the journey.



..To Be Continued on October 25