Predators!

So, what do you suppose would happen if a giant weirdo like Robert Rodriguez decided to produce an alternative sequel to the 1987 film "Predator"? I know I was already intrigued, but then it got even weirder. Pretty soon he had hired on a promising director, Nimrod Antal, along with his Hungarian cinematographer, Gyula Pados, and Academy Award winner Adrien Brody.



Really? Adrien Brody? I wasn't sure at all how to feel about that. My movie snobbery was tearing me in all sorts of directions at this point. But never mind. I was headed down to see this movie at the soonest possible convenience. After all, it has been an incredibly bad year for movies, quite possibly the worst year in my movie viewing life. So perhaps, I thought, an over-produced Predator movie is exactly what we need.

Things took a slight turn to the surreal when I was carded at the box-office. I do have a young face. But seriously? It took me right back to the nineties when my friends and I would watch movies like this in dinghy rooms, always afraid we would be caught by our moms at any moment and severely chastised for succumbing to the temptations of rated 'R' cinema. I felt like I was being bad. I actually laughed perversely at the poor woman who asked me if I was old enough. I thought I was rather too old to be watching this sort of trashy popcorn. After all, I've seen Felini films.

Nevertheless, I was there. My money was spent, and I was deemed old enough to watch an Academy Award winning actor do battle against the dreaded alien bastards.

The film opens with our Academy Award winner falling from the sky. He doesn't know what's going on. We know because we saw the trailers. (Damned movie trailers, but that's a rant for another day.) Pretty soon he crashes down into a tropical paradise of some sort, and a whole bunch of scary bad-asses, including Danny Trejo, Alice Braga, and Topher Grace (WTF? Topher F*****g Grace? What is up with this movie?), continue to crash down around him. There is some confusion as they begin trying to beat each other up. And I was already having the best time I had had watching a movie since "The Book of Eli" in January.





There are a lot of directors in Hollywood who think that if you are chosen to make a sci-fi/horror/thriller, the proper thing to do is to film it in the ugliest place you can find, desaturate everything to a cold blue-green-grey color, and then drench everything in thick, pulpy, fake blood. My friend Nimrod, director of one of my absolute favorite weird movies (Kontroll), is much wiser than this. Predators is filmed in Hawaii, with georgeous cinematography, and ironically subtle camera work. There were a couple of moments where I was so overwhelmed by the visual wonders before my eyes that I started to believe I was watching a serious movie. But then...

"OMFG! Did you see that predator rip out that guys spinal chord? That was freakin' sic! Aaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"....

But then, this movie did have an awful lot of dialogue too. I was completely enthralled by the glorious badness of it. It proves that a movie can still be bad in all the good old ways. If you watch it, please take note not of what the movie does but of what it doesn't do, and you will understand why this movie is a masterpiece of calculated restraint. It gives the audience just enough for your $8.50. I highly recommend it to all geeks and movie snobs who think that every other movie this year would have been improved if somebody's spinal chord had been ripped out by an alien.

L&L: Sunshine

Loki
Ummmm, so, in consideration of the fact that Brandon has dropped the ball with this blogging stuff, (and in a few other areas as well, ahem!), I think we should take advantage of this time to post a movie review.


Leonard
Yeah, we have had a bit too much time on our paws for the viewage. We may as well. How about Sunshine?


Loki
Hmmph! Yeah! Like, we have only watched it six or seven times in the last week. I'm kind of over it actually. It's so 2008.


Leonard
Funny you should mention that, seeing how you were so awesomely fuzzy and cute in 2008. I mean, seriously, you were hardly even born yet.


Loki
I will cut you!


Leonard
Let's do this!


Biting, scratching, and hissing commences for several minutes along with violent crashing noises and breaking glass.

Leonard
Where were we? Oh yes, Sunshine is one of those films that floated by just beneath the radar and went pretty much unnoticed by the mainstream, and yet it isn't really bad at all. It's a thoughtful film about the Sun. A subject that has not been explored at all in science fiction. Ironic since our entire existence as we know it revolves around it, and whatnot.

As the film begins we learn that our Sun is dying and a space ship has been sent to reignite it. Like all great Sci-fi, it is completely, ridiculously preposterous. I really couldn't care less about the scientific accuracy. But it does raise interesting questions about our place in the universe, and what it all means. It also has some fun with the mind-blowing theoretical problems that might arise if you had the job of flying into the Sun on a spaceship.

Loki
As well as the baser problems that may be experienced when carbon-based life forms are stuck in close quarters for way too long. Like me kicking your ass!

Biting and scratching resumes with even greater ferocity.

Leonard
(sighs) Some people just never learn. But that's off the subject here. All in all, Sunshine is a worthy piece of entertainment. Not really on the level of the great ones, ie: "Solaris", "2001: a Space Oddysey", or "Alien". The reason it misses that mark is mostly due to the fact that it can't decide which one of those three it is aiming for. It tries to be all three in one, and fails. But it does fail beautifully. Not Danny Boyle's best film, but like all Danny Boyle films it is better than 98% of the other tripe out there.

Loki
And being a Danny Boyle film I was waiting the entire time for someone to fall into a monstrous puddle of human excrement. Much to my disappointment that never happened. In fact, there was not a speck of poo to be seen anywhere in this film, which raises very interesting questions about the future. What does Mr. Boyle know about the gastrointestinal functions of future space flight. Inquiring minds need to know.

Leonard
You aren't even taking this seriously. I'm going to take a nap.

Loki
Pussy!

Road Trippin': Colorado Springs: part 1

Day 1

Hour 1: We quickly got out of this valley right on time. That is a rare thing for people I have road tripped with. But Rachel and her family obviously meant business for this adventure. We got straight through Park City without delay. We spent most of that time talking about the mysterious subjects that tend to arise at the beginning of road trips.

Hour 2: We stopped at Evanston to use the grungy, gas station restrooms. Then continued on the long road Interstate 80 East. We were listening to the Glee soundtrack at this point.

Hour 3: We stopped for an early lunch at Rock Springs. After driving around the town in an erratic fashion, looking for some place that did not exist, and making some questionable driving maneuvers, and generally behaving like tourists, we decided on Wendy's where I ate some spicy asian chicken thing that they got going on there.

Hour 4: The spicy asian chicken stuff hit back. Fortunately, there was a rest stop that magically appeared at the last minute.

Hour 5: Rachel was trying to fall asleep. I spent forty-five minutes eating an apple, and studying cumulus cloud formations.

Hour 6: ? ? ? I experience lost time.

Hour 7: We finally turned off of I-80 and began heading South. Rachel took a turn driving, so naturally it started to rain in erratic bursts.

Hour 8: We hit Denver. The traffic turned into a giant, rainy parking lot. Lots of swearing commenced.

Hour 9: See hour 8.

Hour 10: We escaped that urban chaos and quickly arrived at the final destination. All in all, I call it perfectly good times.

...to be continued.

*note: see Rachel's blog about this she has pictures and stuff.

Blood & Guts: Scene 6

*note: So a couple of years ago Josh, and Ashton and I made up an entire vampire movie whilst loading the Salt Lake Trailer at UPS over the course of several months. Then one day Ashton asked me if I could type it all out for a Netflixx contest. Over the next week, or so, I pounded out 90 pages of questionable swill. There is some bad, bad writing in there, but there are also some great pearls of badness. I have been meaning to post some of it on here, just for fun. Sufficeth to say, we did not win the contest.

Nevertheless, here is one small sample.

Blood and Guts: Scene 6: Interior Scene - The House

Josh is talking to the camera, explaining things to Ashton. Brandon is in the background observing cynically.


JOSH
Ok, look. It’s like this. We are vampires, blood-suckers, nosferatu, night-walkers, fiends, all that stuff. For sure. But we’re not just soulless killers who.....


BRANDON
Yes we are.


JOSH
(give Brandon a reprimanding look) What I mean to say is that vampires get a bad name. Everyone wants to kill us, but we are people too.


BRANDON
No we’re not.


JOSH
Would you please just shut up for one minute. (throws pillow cushion at Brandon)


BRANDON
(shrugging) Whatever.


JOSH
Gosh. Where was I. Oh yeah. So we decided to make this movie to show people what our life is really like. We want people to see that it’s not all doom, and gloom, and walking around with your face down, like somebody just died or something, glaring at people from under your eyebrows.
(Josh looks over at Brandon who has his head down and is glaring up at the camera. Brandon snaps out of it.)

BRANDON
What?


JOSH
Do you ever just look at yourself?


BRANDON
What? I know what I am.


JOSH
Whatever. (turns back to camera) The point is that we aren’t just cheap caricatures of gothic angst. We don’t wear black all the time. We don’t live in castles. We live just like normal people. We have hearts and minds. We have dreams. We want to have the finer things in life.


BRANDON
We kill people.


JOSH
Why do you gotta be that guy?


BRANDON
What? It’s true. Are you telling me you didn’t just kill half the cast of this dude’s emo vampire movie. (gestures toward camera, then turns to the camera) Oh, and by the way that was good stuff man. It was hot. I liked it.


ASHTON
(tentatively) Thanks?


JOSH
Never mind. Whatever. We kill people. Sure. We have to feed to survive. But we are more than just monsters. If you prick us we will bleed.


BRANDON
Yeah we will, but the blood is your Mom’s.


IAN
(off-screen) Oh, face!
(Josh bursts into laughter in spite of himself. Brandon smirks with satisfaction and Josh high-fives him.)


JOSH
But no, seriously, we don’t under-stand what the big deal is. Most people don’t even believe we exist, and yet when they do they make us out like some kind of boogeymen. We just want to be accepted. We want to be able to show our faces in public. I think the world is ready to grasp our rare beauty. The moment has come for us to step out of the shadows and into the light. I want to be seen.


BRANDON
The mirror is good enough for me.


JOSH
(glaring) Pay no attention to him. He’s still just pissed off about The Lost Boys.
(Brandon snaps his head toward Josh and shakes his head very slowly, as if in warning.)


ASHTON
Huh, what?


JOSH
That’s right. This guy auditioned for Kiefer’s part, but they said he wasn’t believable as a vampire.


BRANDON
(pouty, tries to shrug it off) Well, what do they know?


ASHTON
Wait. How old are you guys?


BRANDON
Twenty-Four.


JOSH
We are actually fifty-five. We were twenty-four when we were turned.
(Ian enters from another room with a huge, glass bottle of some kind of thick, pulpy blood. He sits down between Josh and Brandon, and puts the bottle down on the coffee table in front of them. )


IAN
Hey. Look what I got for you guys today.


BRANDON
Hey there, what is that? Is this the good stuff?


IAN
You know it. Who’s a good friend here?
Brandon picks it up, and tentatively tastes it.


BRANDON
Oh Ian. You really shouldn’t have.


JOSH
Where did you get that?


IAN
(nonchalant) I know a guy. So hey, I was just wondering, when are you guys going to make me?


BRANDON
(handing the bottle to Josh) Tomorrow.


IAN
For real? You’re not messing with me again are you?


BRANDON
No, man. In fact, we were just talking about it, weren’t we?
JOSH
(with mouth full of nasty blood, just nods emphatically)


IAN
Well, I remember the last time you said that.


BRANDON
Well, this time is different.


IAN
Oh yeah, why is that?


BRANDON
Because this time I mean it.


IAN
Right...thanks....Ass!


BRANDON
(feigning shock) Such ingratitude. (to camera) Oh, by the way this is Ian. Ian, this is Ashton, our new camera man. Ian pays our rent so that we will make him immortal.


JOSH
Yeah, we like him in spite of his worst character traits.


ASHTON
Time-out. What exactly is that stuff?


IAN
It’s the stuff that dreams are made of.


ASHTON
And that is...?
(Brandon, Josh and Ian all look down at the bottle for a minute. There is a long awkward silence. Everyone pretends to be distracted by something.)


JOSH
Let’s take a walk.

Summer Reading '10

These are the miscellaneous and esoteric scrawls that must be thoroughly studied during these long, hot months of toil and sweat.

1. The Forever War by Joe Haldeman

2. The Crossing by Cormac McCarthy

3. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins

4. Falconer by John Cheever

5. Resolution by Robert B Parker

6. The Brave Cowboy by Edward Abbey

7. On The Road by Jack Kerouac

8. Pudd'n Head Wilson by Mark Twain

9. Pale Fire by Vladimir Nabokov

10. The Vampire Armand by Anne Rice

*currently reading Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris